Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
