I'm really into asian looking animals
I want to stick my p in your. b.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
