New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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