the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
