There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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