I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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