I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
