she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
