Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
