Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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