Tell her she can't have a vagina
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
