After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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