How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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