I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
