Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
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