i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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