dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
