I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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