Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
