nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
