He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
