remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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