You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Sorry about my life...
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
