We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize