I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
