i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
