haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
