hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
