My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
