I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
