you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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