my mouth tastes like poor choices
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
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