After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
