Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
