in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
