so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
