Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
