then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
