I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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