dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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