I met the friendliest cop last night
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize