watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize