i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
