Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
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