i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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