He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
