The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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