Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
