The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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