I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
You peed on a flamingo?!?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
