you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
pray to the hookup gods
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
