I think i sorta joined a cult last night
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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