my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
