I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Randomize
