Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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