used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
