i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
