Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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