I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
