Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
