I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
you would pick up someone in the library
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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