life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Randomize
