I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
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