Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize
