and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
