you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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