We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
