I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize