I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
