Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
He? As in you personified your dick?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
