I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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