I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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